I begged for counseling so we could figure it out. We had been married for 12 years, but he continued to refuse and I continued to beg for an explanation. Finally, one night while we were in bed, as I lie there crying because he wouldn’t touch me, I finally asked him straight forward. I asked him if it was because of my weight. And he said yes. My heart broke. I was ashamed, embarrassed, furious, sick, disgusted with myself - so many things.
Without him knowing, I began a mission. I started eating differently. Then I began the "Couch to 5k" program. After about 2 months I lost 40 pounds. He never noticed. He never said anything. I had to tell him. I had to tell my husband I had lost 40 pounds and he had no idea. At that point, I didn’t think it was my weight after all – but now I was on a mission. I wasn’t going to do this for him anymore. I was doing it for myself and for my daughters. I have struggled with my weight since I had my daughters.
I realize now that I did get lazy and just fell into bad eating habits and no exercise. Some people can live like that and stay thin, but not me. I had done Weight Watchers in the past and used some of the tools I had learned from that experience. I changed my diet drastically. Not saying it was the right way to do it, but it worked for me. The one thing I would not do was make separate meals for myself and my family for dinner. Dinner is important family time to me. So, my diet was yogurt for breakfast, yogurt and fruit for lunch and a portion-controlled size for dinner – whatever I was making for family. No snacking and only water to drink.
I finished the "Couch to 5k" program, added some weight training, and ran my first 5k. In the meantime, my marriage continued to struggle and I filed for divorce. I continued to eat healthy and run and on February 4, 2011 I met my first goal of losing 90 pounds.
When I reached this goal I had decided I was going to get a tattoo. It was something I had been wanting to do for a very long time and wanted to make it a reward for my hard work. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I wanted it to be something to reflect my journey, but to also honor my mother who passed away in 2003. My sister helped me with that tattoo. It is a beautiful clematis flower, along with my mother’s initials. My mother was an avid gardener but always had trouble with the clematis. She had a beautiful arbor that each summer she would try to get the clematis to climb up, but it would never grow. The summer before she died the clematis flourished on the arbor. This was a huge accomplishment for her! Just like losing the weight was a huge accomplishment for me. I love my tattoo.
I continued to lose weight, but slower. I never got to my final goal, but I maintained. I did the Dirty Girl in August of 2012 and doing that motivated me to finish what I started. I had put on 10 pounds from February 2012 and wanted to get down to 145 pounds. I started the Biggest Loser on my Facebook account and got 12 other people to do it with me. It was a 12-week program and we all pitched in $10 each for a little extra motivation. I had also started dating someone who use to be a personal trainer – he asked if I wanted his help on a workout schedule and I said yes! I knew I needed to switch up my running, but never knew how to go about it.
During those 12 weeks I trained for my first Duathalon, 10k and half marathon. I ran, biked and started doing Zumba. I had a crazy, vigorous schedule, but it helped me get to my 145 goal, and I won the Biggest Loser! This time I got a tattoo on my wrist that reflected my journey as a runner. I was never an athletic person and becoming a runner was a huge challenge for me! My tattoo is a runner with Heb 12:1 notated, here is what it says: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”
My life has been one hell of a race! Never would I have thought that I would be able to complete a half marathon – but I did! And I did it well! This was a huge accomplishment for me! I cried crossing the finish line. My life has been a whirl wind of craziness over the last two years and crossing that finish line was like saying "You Did It." You set out with goals and you did it! No one else did it for you. People supported me and that is exactly what I needed to get through this. People to believe in me. So many have, and I am so grateful for those friendships.
For my height, I should actually be 135 pounds (according to the BMI chart), so now I am working towards that goal and only have 5 pounds to go.
This weight loss journey has been so much more than about losing weight. As the weight started to come off, I started to feel lighter. Not just physically, but emotionally. There was a lot of built-up anger towards my ex-husband and as the pounds shed, so did the anger. This journey was not for him or about him, it was about me. Gaining control of my life. I gained a confidence that I never had before – I could feel myself walking taller, my head up higher and not hiding myself under the weight. As people began to notice, I received such positive feedback that it only motivated me more. Then I started to hear that I was an inspiration and people wanted to know how I did it and how proud of me they were. I think this is one of the biggest accomplishments (other than the losing of the weight) during this journey. Something that I set out to do for myself has inspired others, that is amazing to me! I feel honored to be anyone’s inspiration! I want to be a role model for my daughters. They know that I eat healthy and that I exercise and want this to be instilled in them so that they don’t live some of the struggles I had.
Beginning weight 247 pounds on June 20, 2010.
Today, November 27, 2012 – 139.5 pounds!!!! I don’t think I have been in the 130’s since High School!
Total lost so far 107.5 pounds….whoop whoop!
Some of my struggles:
- Having such a huge number of pounds to lose. Knowing I wanted to lose around 100 pounds was overwhelming. I had to think in small increments. Every 10 pounds was an accomplishment.
- Exercise. I never played sports in High School and knew nothing about exercising and taking care of my body. I had some people along the way that helped guide me and this was an important part of my journey. I had no clue!
- Running outside. I trained mostly on my treadmill, but then got bored with it. I had to break out of my comfort zone and run outside. I did not like the fact that people could see me running. I enjoyed doing it, I just didn’t want anyone to see me. I had to get over that. Funny thing is, I started seeing people around town in the grocery store or gas station and they would recognize me and tell me they would see me running around town and how they wish they would get outside to exercise!
- Zumba. I had never exercised in a group before. I wanted to try it, but again, didn’t want to people to see me doing it. I’m so glad I did because I love the group activity and it is so much fun!
- Food. Everywhere. Home, work, out and about. It’s everywhere. Learning to control my hunger and desire for food was a challenge. I had to teach myself to eat because I needed to. For strength, so I could work out and to live. Not to eat because I wanted to. Huge hurdle!
- People. Many people were worried about the way I was eating and exercising and that I wasn’t it doing it the healthy way. I truly believe I am. I will always eat and I will always exercise.
- The scale. I am an addict to the scale. I will weigh myself every week for the rest of my life. I have to. This keeps me in check.
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