Halloween is one of the greatest days of the year. When you’re a kid, there’s nothing better than being encouraged to go out and stuff your face with as much candy as you can get your hands on. Halloween is fun for adults too, as handing out candy is a nostalgic reminder of our youth.
Unless, of course, your childhood Halloweens were bitter disappointments and you want to take it out on the next generation. Then you hand out one of these awful candies.
10. Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.
The manufacturer’s website states that the recipe for Tootsie Rolls calls for part of the previous day’s batch to be included. The same philosophy must apply when they’re sold at Halloween, because every Tootsie Roll ever eaten tastes at least a year old.
Fun Halloween Fact: In World War II Tootsie Rolls were included in American field rations, as their toughness allowed them to survive a variety of environmental conditions. This proved invaluable to American soldiers who, in emergency situations, used the hardened candies to pelt Nazis to death.
9. Smarties
Combining low quality artificial fruit flavours with the taste and texture of chalk, Smarties are what people buy when they want to give out candy but don’t want to go over their budget of seven cents and a handful of lint. Each piece costs a fraction of a penny, and kids would rather you give them that money than this “treat.” You could replace Smarties with Tums and people would think it was a new and improved variety.
Fun Halloween Fact: In Canada Smarties are called Rockets to avoid confusion with another candy. Thousands of Canadian children have lost interest in becoming aerospace engineers as a result.
8. Necco Wafers
Necco Wafers were first made in 1847, and we’re pretty sure they’re still trying to sell the original batch. They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.
Fun Halloween Fact: In 2009 Necco introduced a new line of wafers featuring healthy all-natural ingredients and a muted colour palate. This move was intended to eliminate whatever tiny sliver of joy the original candies might have contained.
